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The Kernel Commandos!
 | Kernel Commander | Kernel Commandos |
| Evil Leader | Commander |
| The Kernel Commander was once a productive member of society, that is until a disgruntled youth tried to consume him, but was repelled by the taste of candied death. Now, bearing forever the marks of his disgrace, the Kernel Commander has embraced a life of evil - seeking to create a new corn order in which their is no longer a fear of corn consumption or corn reprisal, but only stern corn autonomy! From his evil suburban condo he directs his personal army of Kernel Commandos through numerous front companies and shadow corporations and often in all out assault on the Rangers. He is nothing short of evil personified. Er, cornonified. |
 | Gears | Kernel Commandos |
| Corndroid | Android |
| Originally built from a hobby kit gone horribly wrong, Gears is able to harnesses the power of sun spots to power his sassonium drivers. Unfortunately his hypernatural motivators were damaged by an unfortunate soda spillage and now his will is bent entirely on evil. Also, I guess he can probably eat metal. He acts as the Kernel Commanders primary tactician and can opener and is widely feared for his ruthless cunning, ease of operation and lack of a manual. |
 | Zorcorn | Kernel Commandos |
| Covert Intelligence | Lieutenant |
| Zorcorn acts as the Kernel Commandos intelligence officer, using his innate covert disguise skills to mimic other candy corns. Remember the boy in elemetry school that used to play with makeup? Well, that boy grew up to be Zorcorn, only creepier. A master of disguise and guile with an incredibly bad coat that was possibly stolen from a pimp. |
 | Alan, Alan & Alan | Kernel Commandos |
| Evil Triplets | Lieutenant |
| Alan, Alan and his brother Alan act as the respectible corporate face of the many Kernel Commando front-companies. They are all named Alan. Masters of corporate finance, the prefer their cubicles and org charts to the more base tactics of the Kernel Commandos. They are mericless and ruthless, also they own and operate a small Bed and Breakfast. |
 | Ninja Punch | Kernel Commandos |
| Silent Weapons | Lieutenant |
| Ninja Punch is the clan brother of Judo Kick and was likewise trained at the same dowtown Newton Dojo, however, it was there that their paths strayed. Ninja Punch has since become tainted by the smelly smell of evil and now acts the the Kernel Commander's personal bodyguard. He wears a full nylon, or possibly velour, bodysuit and no one has ever seen his face, maybe cause of like a bad accident. Yeah, with acid or something. |
 | The Dutchess | Kernel Commandos |
| Dutchess | Lieutenant |
| Born to an aristocratic family of high born corns, the Dutchess grew embittered with her life of luxury and favor and decided to embrace a freegan lifestyle. When this got old several hours later, she turned her massive trust fund over to the Kernel Commander, whom she had met on a speed date, and launched a career of evil. |
 | Commandos | Kernel Commandos |
| Cannon Fodder | Private |
| Attracted to the Kernel Commandos by generous health and dental benefits, these Commandos blindy serve the Kernel Commander in his quest for a new world order. Many work ordinary jobs and lead ordinary lives and yet serve the Kernel Commander in secret for fringe benefits, stock options and access to large guns. |
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Copyright © 2007 Sassmaster Ultra Media |
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